Rule #2: Don’t stick your head, arms or other appendages out of the window or sunroof.
Rule #3: If in doubt, refer to rules 1 & 2.
The game wardens don’t mess around with this message. There is even a program in place where you are encouraged to snitch on your fellow holidaymakers by submitting digital camera pics of their misdeeds and license plate to the authorities.
Obviously they have good reason to provide these rules and warnings. Most every animal larger than the African Tortoise would likely have no trouble making short work of a hornless, clawless, fangless, slow moving (and quite succulent with nice marbling) Anglo if offered the opportunity.
So when I saw the advertisement for the Mountain Bike Safari Tour, I immediately signed up.
Better yet, the ride was right smack in the middle of the park: no electric fences, no protected areas. The same wild bush that we have been warned ad-nauseum to stay out of.
Huh!?
The artillery answered a lot of questions. The tour is conducted by two veteran game wardens…with BIG ASS 458 caliber elephant guns – making me slightly more confident of my chances of returning alive – until it was revealed that this tour is pilot program ONLY conducted at the rest camp we were staying at and that we would be going to a different location than the norm due to the increased muggings by AK47-weilding Mozambiquan raiders who sneak over the border to poach elephants and tourists’ wallets.
The tour began with a 20 minute drive down a private road to the trailhead. We unloaded the bikes from the jeep and then the lead game warden went over the rules – very carefully:
1. You will always ride behind us in 2 lines.
2. Absolutely no talking. Remain completely silent as we ride. We will make a number of stops at which point we can chat quietly. (“Here Kitty Kitty Kitty??”)
3. If we encounter game on the trail, I will raise my hand and you will immediately stop riding, gently rest the bike on its side, and follow my partner to a safe location. I will stay here and negotiate with the animal.
4. Under no circumstances will you run. Only gentle movements.
5. If I say “down”, you will immediately crouch to the ground without hesitation and stay crouched until I give you the all clear sign.
“Ok is everyone ready to ride!?” he says with a slight smile on his face.
“Umm, s-s-sure.” We stammerd.
“So have you ever used your gun on one of these rides?” I ask warden #1.
“Yes, once.” He replies. “Elephant.”
We start our ride and fortunately we don’t encounter any pissed-off elephants, hungry lions or attack giraffe, but a Canadian girl on our ride did have to have a fist-sized, bird eating spider brushed off her head after accidentally riding through its web.
The big payoff was the hippos. After 3 miles of riding through twisty trails, we deposited our bikes in a small clearing and walked down to the edge of the Olifants river to watch a dozen hippo fight, bellow, eat and snort their way into the evening.
After the 20 minute show, we walked back to our bikes, taking a short detour to a small stream to rinse of my shoes after I (like a properly “stupid American”) accidentally stepped into an ankle deep mud and clay pit. .
The ride was a highlight of my trip, exciting, unusual, and a little intimidating. I was a tad disappointed we didn’t encounter any dangerous game during the ride though. It seems that the animals in the area that evening weren’t in the mood for a high fat and cholesterol meal of American fast food.
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