Backpack Feng Shui

Fast approaching the departure date for ALAN'S CHINESE EXTRAVAGANZA 2005 (fancy name eh?) and I haven't even completed 10% of my packing. I think I'll wait till tomorrow, due to my need for a new backpack. Unfortunately my oakley backpack, in all its circa 1995 post-nuclear coolness, is woefully inadequate for anything other than annoying the hell out of its owner as he tries, unsuccessfully, to retrieve anything from it without having to completely disassemble the numerous, completely pointless buckles that cover the main zippered compartment and not bust his fingers in the process.

I remember when I first got it 10 years ago via my oakley employee hookup thinking how badass it was and how sweet it would be to take it snowboarding... because it had this totally killer oakley logo and it looked like something from a Mad Max movie and especially because it totally matched my snowboard jacket.... and because it was waaayyy badass... and had killer buckles... and...was sweet...and....

yea, i was that lame back then

So like a truly brainwashed consumer, I decided that I have no choice but to replace it tomorrow with some overpriced pack from REI. Y'know.... because... I REALLY NEED something more FUNCTIONAL for China...

"Why?" you ask "is your backpack so important that it requires you to replace it?"

Well, I'll tell you: because of my need to safely transport the numerous technological devices that I have decided are indispensible for my tour. You see, a trip to the Great Wall or the Terra Cotta soldiers in Xian would just not be complete without my ability to

1. Track my average speed, distance and calories burned during my Great Wall trek via GPS
2. Listen to the new Gorillaz album on my iPod
3. Fire up the notebook, jump onto an unsecured, wireless Internet connection, upload all the days pictures to my Flickr account and post my blog entry
4. Strap on my USB computer headset, fire up Skype and use the same unsecured connection to make free telephone calls home
   
5. And of course, wake up at 1AM China time to jump on same unsecured wireless connection to listen to streaming broadcast of UT football game against the Ohio State Buckeyes

So tell me dear reader, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO ALL THIS WITHOUT A FANCY NEW BACKPACK TO TRANSPORT MY COMPUTER AND ALL NECESSARY ACCESSORIES DESCRIBED ABOVE WHILE ENSURING THE UTMOST SAFETY WHILE MINIMIZING STRESS ON THE LOWER BACK AND SHOULDERS?!

priorities man... it's all about priorities.