Sake & K-Mart In Central California

It was at 4:29AM when the thought jolted me out of my restless, rice wine-induced sleep. “Oh crap. I don’t know where my suit is.”

• 1350 mile flight from Austin to LAX with checked baggage.
• 2 rented Hummers (the first loaded, driven for 15 minutes, returned, unloaded and switched for a less-ashtray smelling replacement.)
• 315 miles drive from LAX to Mammoth Lakes, CA.
• 2 nights at The Westin resort.
• 2 nights at The Village resort.
• 2 days of boarding in epic snow and weather conditions.
• .3 days of Winter Storm Advisory strength wind sandblasting off the patches of facial skin not covered by my goggles and facemask.
• .7 days of Mammoth Brewing Company beer drinking.
• 1.5 hour off-road Hummer expedition through mud, rain and snow in search for the hidden “locals only” hot springs.
• 4 bottle crash course in the complexities of unfiltered Sake

… and somewhere in between a missing garment bag carrying the only courthouse-appropriate set of clothing I packed for my “might as well add in a few snowboarding days since I have to fly and drive all the way out here to sue the ATV rental store owner who stole $4800 from me last summer in Bishop, CA” fantasy vacation.

Is it in the car? – Probably not, but a barefoot jog in boxer shorts to hotel parking just to be sure… Nope.

Did I leave it in the closet at the Westin? The graveyard shift front desk telephone operator could only apologize that the housekeeping manager with the key to the lost and found closet would not be in for another 3 hours. “Call back at 7:30 and she can check.”

No hope to fall back asleep now! My mind raced.
“Why did I not think to find/iron/lay out my suit before?
What am I going to wear to the courthouse in 5 ½ hours?
Snowboard pants?
Frayed cargo Pants and a damp Oakley T-shirt?”

8:15am – Another call to the Westin confirms the worst-case scenario – no garment bag was found. And new guests are staying in the room I checked out of so they can’t break-in check the closet.

So the plan B outfit calls for jeans and a thin, fitted sweater – both smelling of Paiute Palace Indian Casino smoke and late night Pita Pit beer munchies.

My internal dialogue is reduced to “crap crap crappity crap crap” as we check out of our hotel, feed the H2 its hourly 20 gallon meal and start the drive down the mountain to almost certain humiliation.

And then… as we round the corner on Interstate 395 into the Bishop city limits, a beacon of light…

K-MART!

“Sorry Jeremy, breakfast will have to wait.”

Slacks complete with oversized pleats and the Comfort-Action Perfect Fit™ elastic waistband: $19.97.
Dress shirt with matching brown and tan checkerboard tie circa 1983 with “touch me to feel the quality” cutout in plastic box: $39.95.
Instant wrinkle removing “Iron-In-A-Can” spray: $1.09.
K-Mart brand v-neck tee: $5.42.
Not smelling like a gyro with extra tzatziki and hummus: Priceless.

Quick change in the K-Mart store restroom (yes it was as traumatic as you might imagine.)

20mph over the speed limit to drive the final 2.3 miles to the courthouse (please no tickets on the way to court!)

Final adjustments to the tie as I walk through the courthouse doors (is my zipper down?)

And 5 minutes later…

“We will now proceed with the first case; Abdine vs....”