When my good friend Joe (supposedly) first asked me to marry him, I didn’t hear him. So goes the next 4 months with me oblivious to my (supposedly) promised marriage service duties and him planning out the wedding around my (supposed) services.
I’m still not sure how the misunderstanding began… perhaps I was in denial? Spaced out due to my persistent insomnia? Or maybe he didn’t really ask me like he thought, instead assuming I would gladly assist being such the good friend that I am.
I was happy to do it of course. And in retrospect, it worked out much better anyway since I only had to stress out about it for a few months.
Friendly note to brother, sister and single/engaged friends: Despite rumors to the contrary, my days as a web-appointed conductor of marriage ceremonies has come to an end. I look forward to participating in other ways such as planning bachelor parties, drinking your wine, enjoying you DJ/Band during the reception, and all other activities that do not cause sleepless nights, writer’s block, sweaty palms and stress headaches.
Joe, Deb
As you embark on this exciting journey as a married couple, I’d like to speak today about different representations of love.
Some common representations of love, at least according to Saturday morning cartoons and big budget Hollywood movies, usually involve cupids, love sick squirrels, pimply-faced pubescent nerds who win the heart of the homecoming queen or they recount an epic fairytale about a dashing protagonists named Wesley rescuing the fair maiden Buttercup from the evil Prince Humperdink while avoiding Sicilian criminal geniuses, pituitary gland challenged ex- wwf wrestlers and expert Spanish swordsmen with ridiculous mustaches.
These perspectives provide great movie fodder, however they fall short when challenged with the sober realities of real-life. Sure, we see a glimpse of the excitement that new love can provide, but can that adrenaline rush support a lifelong commitment? More importantly, is it fair to expect ourselves to sustain that crescendo of emotion?
If looked at from a different, angle, there is also the sacrificial element of love. And when I say sacrifice, what I really mean is surrender, concede, or capitulate! No, of course I’m kidding. There IS however an important sacrificial element to the commitment you are making. This sacrifice represents your willingness, to be challenged by different opinions, to be patient and understanding even when you know you’re right. And to accommodate your partners concerns, even when it’s inconvenient, unpleasant or uncomfortable. It also means Deb, that you need to be understanding of Joe when he’s grumpy… which as we all know is a pretty common occurrence.
And this sacrificial love leads in to the final description of love I’d like to talk about today which is the faithful, committed kind. You will experience peaks and valleys of emotion during your life together. Sometimes you will be cruising through your days & weeks on autopilot, with mild to moderate chop, skillfully avoiding thunderhead’s that you have become so adept at detecting, while other times you’ll feel the rush of a full-throttle take-off into crystal blue, sun-soaked sky. Either way, your consistency, reliability and steadfast devotion to each other through these variable conditions is what will make your marriage so exciting and important.
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