A Smite-Worthy Good Time

Ok kids, pop quiz time:

What’s funnier?

A) An obscure reference to the last scene of the movie “The 40 Year Old Virgin” to begin your good friend’s wedding ceremony.

B) The Universal Life Church and their online application for ministry.

Answer: Either A or B or both or none of the above since all answers on the ULC grading curve lead to a perfect score.

Flashback to early winter 2006: I’m enjoying a sociable evening with my newly engaged friends Kevin and Barb, picking at a Ceasar Salad at the Yardhouse at the Irvine Rectum Spectrum when they drop the bomb:

“Hey Alan, we were wondering if you’d do us a favor for the wedding.”

“Sure,” I said

“Ok, well it’s going to take a little work on your end.”

“Umm, ok. And what is it you want me to do?”

“Well we were wondering if you’d be interested in marrying us.”

My first reaction was of utter bewilderment. I wasn’t even sure I was holy enough to BE married let alone marry someone else. Would God disapprove of me playing the poser minister? Isn’t this type of behavior smite-worth? Hmm, a smiting would certainly not figure in well for my summer plans…

But after a conversation with a real reverend, Melissa and a fair amount of prayer, my theology was straightened out just enough for me to seriously consider the offer.

The problem still remained though; on what authority could I legally marry them in the state of California?

Oh! Wait a minute… Problem solved! The Universal Life Church!

The Universal Life Church is a nonsense organization that claims to be a church but has no underlying core set of beliefs. They are one of those “one size fits all” churches that preach that all beliefs are legitimate… as long as you really believe your made-up beliefs.

The main reason this “church” exists is because it’s the path of least resistance for one to become legally authorized to perform a marriage ceremony in (most of) the US.

At first, I didn’t know much about the ULC or their online ordination process. Would I need a credit card? Would I have to renounce my current faith or subscribe to some new religious code? Would I still be able to benefit from the world of psychiatry?

After 2 minutes of research this is what I found:

1. The answers to the questions above were no, no, no and yes (and probably end up needing it more than ever).
2. What you DO need is an email address….and THAT’S IT.
3. A printer would help too… so you can print out your official-looking certificate of ministry.

Not to sound glib, but…

After two additional minutes of research, I realized just what a monumental pile of ridiculousness the ULC actually is. Well maybe not as ridiculous as Scientology, but still, staring at a broken piece of pencil lead would have been a better way to spend the 30 seconds it took me to sign up for this meaningless “religious” designation.

Let me get this straight… California requires one to be a judge, boat captain or minister to conduct a wedding ceremony within its borders, yet its “minister” designation is so hollow that it allows for a minister of church who’s only belief (and corresponding motto) is “To Do That Which Is Right” to legally marry a couple within its borders?

To Do That Which Is Right?! What does that even mean? Apparantly not a whole lot since pretty much anything you dream up can be considered “right” as long as you properly rationalize it’s rightness… at least for your own benefit. (paging Ayn Rand)

Listen up everyone, after sticking his head in a hat he fashioned out of old Happy Meal bags, THE reverend Alan Abdine received a new revelation: In order “To Do That Which Is Right,” on October 3^rd, 2008, at 3:43AM (CST) you must pray to his dog Moby who, while wearing a pink tutu, will temporarily assumes the reincarnated state of the 45^th Buddha for approximately 17 and 5/8 minutes.

With the ULC church absurdity behind me, it was time to focus on something actually meaningful… namely, my friends’ wedding:

{Alan faces Kevin and Barb and begins the ceremony}

"Are you ready?

Ok, before we get started, I want you to take a quick look around at everyone gathered here today.”

{Alan points to the guests}

“Kevin & Barb, there are a lot of friends and family here that really care about you.”

{Alan addresses the guests}

“But y’know what everyone? Sometimes it’s not enough to JUST show up… so I thought we could all get out of our chairs and express our true feelings for Kevin and barb through interpretive dance."

Oh, I almost forgot the plug…

Since I submitted my application for the ULC ministry this year, I get the new-for-2006 feature of the power to forgive sins! So if you’re throwing a bachelor party or just want a guilt-free night on the town, email me now for my fall 2006 rental rates!