Parenting Lesson #1 - Babies Are Not Pugs

After six days as a father, I like to think of myself as having remarkable acumen in baby matters.

So after extensive research on the matter - and understand, I'm still working on this hypothesis - I've discovered that unlike agitated or unruly dogs, you can't just give your daughter a treat to shut her up...it seems babies require a bit more subtlety and patience with their care.

It was at about 2:38 AM a few nights ago, while sweet little Paisley Grace screamed baby curse words at me, when the futility of my child care philosophy exploded in a fury of tears, screaming and poop.

Previously, the basis of my baby care understanding was:

1. If baby is crying, then baby must want a treat (aka 'boob')
Therefore, wake wife and give baby a treat.

2. If a treat doesn't work, then wrap baby up like a burrito.

3. If burritofied baby continues to cry, then emit white noise from mouth in baby's ear .

4. If shushed, baby-burrito still cries then stuff pacifier in baby's mouth.

Unfortunately, I never considered what would happen if, after reaching item 4, baby continued to cry.

It seems this parenting thing is going to be slightly more complicated than previously thought. I wonder what Harvey Karp would do...?

And now for some more pictures (click on either to see whole set)






...and some boring home videos that only an in-law would love:

Family Nap

The Abdine power structure in a nutshell.

Introducing...

I’m happy to introduce you to the new member of our family; Baby “P,” AKA Paisley Grace Abdine.

She was born 6 pounds 8 ounces, 20.5 inches at 12:12pm on Monday, February 19.

Momma and baby are doing great. Both healthy and happy.

Daddy on the other hand? Oh heck, what can I complain about… all I had to do was tell her to push and hand her the cell phone.

(click on the pictures below to jump to the full collection.)

Labor And Text Messeging

I think Melissa would be a good subject for Cingular’s next ad campaign:

“The new Motorola V3i Razor is so easy to use, even a woman in labor can use it.”

My terminator of a wife was actually text messaging her friends while in the final stage of labor.

Alan: “Breath and two and three and four…”
Melissa: click clack click click [send]
Alan: “Ok, baby, here comes your next contraction… Breath and two and three…"

I guess the epidural worked.

Unauthorized Photography

After witnessing first hand the epidural needle in all its horrific glory, I decided it would be cool to record it for future demonstrative purposes… you know, when the inevitable cocktail-party conversation springs up describing, in detail, the process of jamming a 3 inch, 18 gauge spike into one's spine during childbirth.

Unfortunately, the anesthesiologist about to do the jamming didn’t share my enthusiasm and immediately vetoed the idea as soon as I pulled out the camera. Sheesh… So sensitive these doctor types.

Better Picture

I landed in some hot water after posting that last picture of Melissa, so here’s a better one taken a few days ago by our good friend Dore…

Momma-to-be

Here's momma-to-be just before the epidural. Such a trooper! Cool pillow eh? ;-)

Timing

Perfect timing “P.” Why did you pick that special hour, right before mom and dad retire for the evening to make yourself heard?

I mean really… MIDNIGHT?! Just as dad was walking up the stairs to grab some shuteye...mom barely asleep for an hour?

It’s 7:45 am and we’ve been at the hospital since 2. According to the nurses, things are progressing… visually reinforced every 5 minutes by the wince of displeasure on Melissa’s face.

She’s a rock star though… no meds…no verbal abuse. Just sugar-free jolly ranchers, ice chips and cinnamon-flavored lip gloss applications every 45 minutes.

ETA... Sometime Monday, Feb. 19th?

It's 1:10AM Monday morning and it appears Melissa's labor has begun. contractions 15 minutes apart, about 45 seconds in duration, the last one earning a wince of pain. Water has broke? appears to be a trickle and she insists she hasn't peed herself! Looks like this will be our first (of many) sleepless nights.

Will try to continue posting when possible...

I hope the hospital vending machine sells redbull.

T-Plus 7...8...9...10

Yo P! Why you playin' us like that?

Please come soon baby girl. Your mom's nesting instincts have accelerated into overdrive and she's run out of things to primp...

She's grasping at straws. Just today, she reorganized our medicine drawer... i'm worried my desk is next. How can I possibly get any work done if all my paperwork is methodically categorized??

What's it going to take to convince you to come out? Primrose capsules? Castor Oil? Eggplant parmigiana?

Everyone Has A Theory

...about when the baby will be born...or what the "P" stand for (no its not "Penelope!"). But so far, y'all have been wrong ('cept Summer L...good guess!).

Despite everyone's assurance that "Baby P" will be here by the weekend, as of Saturday morning, we are still on red alert, though I think I'll lower it to code "yellow" as soon as I get approval from Homeland Security.

So "P," are you going to ruin my superbowl plans...?